Tuesday, October 16, 2007

What. The. Fuck. or, My Menagerie

Right now, I am sitting at my kitchen table, with a cat in my lap. This cat is resting her chin on my left forearm and purr purr purring. This cat is well fed and shot up with insulin. I'm not sure it is the same cat as three hours ago, the one moping around and turning her back to me when I tried to hand feed her. With wet food. That is how much I love this cat. I touched wet cat food for her. Without gagging.

This morning, she didn't eat enough of her food to shoot her up. But she's sometimes a fussy eater. Maybe she didn't like that the bowl was cold from being in the fridge. I do not know the mind of a cat. I figured she'd be starving by tonight.

No dice. I put down her food. I added some of her old food to it. I put out another dish with a new kind of food. I called the vet. The vet suggested tuna water on kibble. Freya licked up a teaspoon or so of the juice.

This afternoon, I borrowed Jennifer's lean green wagon to pick up some gear. Eric's gear, it ended up, because, well, it's a long story, but it involves a desk that used to be a change table, a car door I hoped was broken before I got there*, and the fact that I didn't know if anyone was going to be home to open the door to the house where the amp is currently living.

We packed Eric's gear into the LGW, brought it home and it was very light and he carried the organ himself. I was saying goodbye, leaving him to his copious amount of homework, and he asked what I was going to do tonight. I rattled off a list of things, none of which felt particularly appealing.

I went home. I started making chili. I tried to feed Freya.

Finally, Freya walked away from all three dishes and into the bedroom. I followed her. I dug my fingers into the wet food and held them out to her. She did literally turn her back on me.

Okay, the vet's. I started packing - insulin, check, needles, check, open food tins, check. Wallet?

What. The. Fuck.

Now normally, I am not so hard on myself about these things. But it has really felt like an effort to keep the self-loathing at bay this past week or so. I find keeping that kind of vigilance to be wearing and tiresome. And I did a few just sort of spacey things today, things that I normally wouldn't have done and so what the fuck and how could I be so damn stupid.

I calmed down from my little snit and called Jennifer and thank god my wallet was still in her car, really, because if it had not been in that car, I would have been fucked and, I thought at the time, my cat would have gotten really really sick. Or, I would have had to borrow money until I got my wallet back and I would almost rather do anything than borrow money.

Like borrow Grace and Greg's car. I called Grace, who offered up the Polecat immediately. I almost didn't take it because I borrow their car a lot, but then I looked at my situation. Bike ride to Sandy Hill, bike back, 20 minutes on the 85, as soon as the 85 came. "Yes," I said to Grace, "I would really like that."

Everything, of course, turned out fine. I got home with Freya, whose blood sugar was fine and seemed to have nothing more than a little gastroenteritis. I have to give her anti-diarrheal pills until I leave for Stouffville on Friday, at which point I will board her at the vet's and they will give her the damn pills.

I don't even know if she really needs them, though. She practically jumped out of her carrying bag and ran to the food dishes. She ate a good portion out of all three. I let her have her way with them.

All of this, this all should be making me happy. I have very nice friends willing to lend me their cars for various purposes. I have a cat who seems to be actually fine. I did get some healthy veggie chili made, which was one of the more important things on that to do list I gave Eric. My fish don't seem to have so much ich.

Still and all, I'm in a bad mood. I'm tired, I'm sad for no good reason, I feel like I'm about to cry, and I spent 3 hours at the vet when it appears I didn't really need to.

So you know what? Also fuck editing. I'm not even going to read this over.

*Not broken at all, just tricky.


coyote said...

Well. Sometimes accepting help -- and life -- and trying to be (and feel) graceful about it is not always so easy... but it works out anyway.

Andrea SK said...

You know, I could ask my BH to make you a cake by special request.... It's amazing what a little chocolate can do.

Asteroidea Press said...

yes, i was definitely not feeling very graceful last night. am feeling better this morning.

Andrea! That's a very nice offer of a cake! But I might slip out and buy a nice bar of chocolate at lunch. I could see myself eating the entirety of one of his beautiful cakes and have a feeling that wouldn't make me feel too good.


I felt like this on Monday. I think it's the time of year. The darkness. The primal fear and depression of approaching winter. Our ancestors used to have good reason to get very anxious as the days got shorter and the ground froze. They knew a lot of them wouldn't survive the hard winter - for many the sun would never shine again. Somewhere in our genes, I think this seasonal mood persists.

Ariel said...

Hey Megan,

I have had a serious case of the fall SAD this week. It was serious enough that I ordered a $200 "happy light" that's supposed to help kick the winter depression. I've also been eating lots of kale (my new obsession -- an old one for you, I assume). And doing yoga.

I'm going to a class at 5:45 today, if you're interested.

I find that basic tasks become impossible when it's grey and gloomy out ...


Asteroidea Press said...

thanks everyone. y'all are so nice.

Ariel- I'm sorry I didn't get this earlier! But I will take a rain cheque for sure.

kerri said...

I get SAD pretty bad and bought a light therapy light almost two years ago. I was highly skeptical but turns out it was the best $200 I ever spent. Shining 10,000 watts of light into your face for 10-20 minutes first thing in the morning isn't a whole lot of fun but it really helps.