Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Tip from a Secret Klutz

If your bathroom looks like this

and you have a penchant for needing to go for a pee in the middle of the night, and don't like to turn on the lights because you think it will probably fuck with your melatonin and your melatonin is something you feel does not need to be fucked with, well, if you just happen to be that kind of person, and you happen to be peeing at 4 in the am, and if the toilet paper happens to slip from your fingers right after you take it off the roll, you should, I would suggest, simply leave it there and deal with it in the morning.

Because it is possible, remotely, of course, but possible nonetheless, that you will lean down to retrieve said squares, your head turned sharply to the left, and crack the outer edge of your right eye socket on the edge of the sink. Hard.

You might yell: Gaugh!
You might gasp: Gasp!
You might just sit naked: dumbstruck and shivering.

You might do all of the above.

No matter. It will lead to a new facial expression: the smile-wince, where every time you smile, and your eyes crinkle, then you will also wince because the tiny tiny muscles dig into the bruise as they contract.

It will also lead to much anxiety about whether the bruise will show, and whether you will possibly have to explain that no, your paramour, who is beyond lovely and only fierce with you upon request, did not in fact pop you one, but that you are just so darn uncoordinated that you gave yourself a black eye taking a piss.

Luckily, I am lucky, and did not get a black eye. I reveal my heretofore secret klutziness to you only in case you are not so lucky to be as lucky as me.

1 comment:

coyote said...

Here's another one... I recall one half-asleep night when my paramour (such a nice word, that...) of the time wandered away for the self-same purpose, not bothering to turn on the light.

The seat was up, and she fell in. Dog help me, I was just enough non-compos mentis from sleep to actually laugh when the splash came. I woke up fast, pled utter jerk stupidity and dished up heartfelt grovel when she returned to bed, but relations were, um, chilly...