How to Not Get a Job

(Compiled from several interviews at several places.)

- Show up 15 minutes early, because hey, the interviewers are probably just hanging around easting bonbons. And they certainly aren’t interviewing anyone else anywhere close to the same time you’re being interviewed.

- Wear your schleppiest clothes, and don’t brush your hair.

- Wear too much perfume.

- When asked "What was a difficult situation at your last job and how did you work to resolve it?" don’t have a concrete example rehearsed. Instead, hmm and haw and roll your eyes and say "You people always ask this." Haw some more before finally dredging something up that doesn’t really seem very problematic in the first place.

- Say "I’m not a feminist, but..."

- Butt your smoke out just before ringing the doorbell.

- When asked what interested you about the job, say "The fact that it’s full time."

- Go on ad nauseum about absolutely irrelevant details of a job you haven’t worked at in 10 years.

- When the interviewers finish, snottily say "That’s it? I thought you were going to ask something challenging."

- When told you have 5 minutes to complete your (very easy) test, say "Umm, the computer clock says I have 10 minutes left, and this mouse doesn’t work." When it does.

- Totally fuck up the test.